"Fascinating"

“Fascinating”

I find the world and its inhabitants fascinating. The reality of emotional and psychological bonds oscillate as frequently as the flow of oxygen, nitrogen, argon and carbon dioxide through our inhabitable atmosphere.

 

Although the primary component of air is nitrogen gas. Trace gases include neon, methane, helium, krypton, hydrogen, xenon, ozone, and many other elements and compounds. The composition of air varies from one place to the next and even varies depending on whether it is day or night.

 

I have discovered that the emotional bonds between humans are as faceted as the air we breathe. I always considered the air in terms of “oxygen” and was excited to learn just how many other gases we breathe in and our lungs filter out. In the same way I considered friendship and romance in the broad terms of “love” and “loyalty”. I believed that one must have access to those elements to have friends and that such elements, I did not have. To extend the metaphor of gases, for it is through physical examples I am able to learn, and understand, I was effectively suffocating. Like an alien on a new planet trying to breathe air its lungs were never designed for, my efforts to form friendships were flawed and painful. I had one friend, however the other people in my life were those I communicated with in affable terms. I could take them or leave them, my bond to them seemed more important to them that to me. There is no masking such indifference, however innocent it may be. It was often misconstrued as arrogance.

 

During my mid-teens I began making up stories about myself and my achievements in order to interest peers. It worked at first and it seemed that some of them would become my friends. I had no idea what or who I should be, only that what I was, was insufficient. I quickly learned that fabricating oneself into something others might respect was unwise. It led to derision and amusement. Strangely enough I found out about a list of my fantasies that had been produced by one of my peers. I found this list being read in a corridor and they realised I was stood there. However my indifference to the list and ability to laugh at my clear error won their favour and they were kinder to me for the last few terms of that school. I was indifferent to their affection. However I had learnt that human concepts around honesty and likeability were intertwined. I decided to simply be me, and to emulate those around me rather than augment myself. Effectively my deceit would no longer be tall tales of my adventures but would be to camouflage myself socially and throw up a wall of intellect, much like Spock, I would enjoy, rather than reject the irony of existence.

 

 However, as much as oxygen can fuel fire, so too can Hydrogen. My lack of instinct when it came to friendship and love meant I had to form a deeper understanding of the people around me. This meant that I appeared intense and serious, effectively more combustible, like Hydrogen is to Oxygen. So my friendships burned brighter and deeper, as did my social errors. It is a fine line between emulating your peers to fit in, and sociopathically imitating them. For a young autistic person that line is nigh on invisible, the first sign that you have overstepped will be when your peers are already leaving the room laughing and shaking their heads. Think of a moment in your life when you have taken someone literally at their word. This is how vulnerable and naïve I can appear. The trouble for those who mistake these features for weakness is that they quickly find that any effort by them to deride me for my interpretation of them will only lead to me blandly explaining to them their error. Human’s mistake this process for condescension, however I do not consider them stupid, or myself better, they are simply mistaken and should say what they mean.

 

These days I am able to live out of phase with ease. I have a strong relationship with myself and this is where all my other relationships start. I find it easier to maintain friendships because I understand that I do not have to feel strongly about the friendships, and that friendship means many different things. It has taken nearly 30 years to even begin to learn this. Learning to accept that I will never fit into the world around me has taken a long time, however I am fascinated still by it all. The truth at the root of it all is that happiness is not joyfulness, it is acceptance of the self, warts and all, however ugly or beautiful the reality you are in may be. Happiness is not perfect friendships or wealth or any of the myriad of things that humanity seems to suggest it is. For me happiness is Autism, the ability it gives me to see the truth of the self no matter how painful, and to embrace that truth in its entirety, to see that truth and speak it without fear.

 

It’s hard to translate into words the disjunction between myself and the world I live in. I believe it is similar to looking through a window. Whilst I can see much of what society can, I am apart and separated by a thin transparent glaze. I am glad to say I share this observation chamber with others, perhaps there are more Vulcans on this planet that just me. To this end, I am left certain that Spock saved my life, and perhaps my sanity.

I would like to take you on a journey through my personal and very final frontier. The journey from anxious, confused undiagnosed Autistic child and adult, to the content “Aspie” that writes this blog.

My hope is that my journey might give the reader some insight into the joy and pain that Autistic life may bring. I ask that you relax and enjoy the dry dark humour of my inner Spock. That you receive my conversation around suicidal ideation as a frank description of a mental state rather than a emotive plea for understanding. In return I will share with you some of the funniest, most awkward, darkest and happiest moments over the last 33 years. I hope to share this at least once a week, if not more frequently.

Thanks for reading and we’ll chat soon

Kind Regards

Matt