"Change is the essential process of all existence"

 

“Change is the essential process of all existence”

It may be somewhat of a stereotype, but I am highly resistant to change.

The problem with that assertion is, change has many meanings and contexts because the word is misapplied or used illogically. I am not resistant to variation, or curvature, subtle fractions or exponential sub-categories of experiences. For example, I can go to different shops for my groceries.  However if they have changed something in one of those shops, like the position of the fruit or dairy. Then, I will likely spend around an hour walking aimless round the shop trying to process the logic in that change.  Realigning myself to the new layout whilst fending off a rising tide of paralysing fear and panic can result in some demonstrably odd behaviour.

Some of my fellow ASC tribe would not wish to change where they shop and have very set routines, I appreciate this. My Autism doesn’t affect me in quite the same way. I have set routines that I struggle to alter, however I can change details within those routines creating the illusion of changing them. However if I have planned out the day (as I always do) and someone alters my plans or asks me to do something extra within those plans, well that can take a bit of processing.

Essentially, if you want me to post a letter whilst I’m in town, please ask me whilst I am planning what I am going to do in town. Not when I’m on the way out the door, the latter is far too messy.

I can go to work and enter into different scenarios and apply my training in order to deal with them efficiently. However I cannot abide the idea of changing my job description unless that is the logical thing to do given the parabola of outcomes apparent to me. For example, I could not be told that I would have to change my work environment, however if it became clear that changing it would be the only way in which I could continue to do the job I know and love then I could. It is this subtle understanding of what change means that can make the resistance seem random or oblique to someone who is not Autistic.

 Being able to manage change has taken a lifetime of practice and there are still some things I cannot do. I still struggle to change my outfits, and my Amazing Wife (her formal and informal title) helps me with this greatly. She also helps me plan Annual Leave as I struggle with altering my routine, and booking leave makes me panic. My wife assist with planning personal hygiene and I will often tie my hygiene routine in with my toddlers so that we shower together. In this way I can regulate my cleaning routine (cleaning oneself is a matter of change whether you realise it or not) and also ensure that my children learn good practices and are not too affected by my condition.

I used to watch Spock enter the bridge of The Enterprise to find the unexpected and illogical occurring. He would remain deadpan apart from raising a single eyebrow. I used this response to help me manage my own desire to scream at the inappropriate way humanity seeks constant change. Spock’s ability to resign himself to the inefficient and trivial behaviours of humanity, overlooking them to see the value in every act and aspiration, helped me to value change and respect it.

His wisdom also helped me be more comfortable with my resistance to change, and as time has gone on I have become better at advocating for myself and challenging change that is bad for me or causes me harm.

This is often in the face of profound misunderstanding, partially due to the skill of masking that Spock taught me, and partly due to the illogical and irrational application of the word “change” and its contexts.

I have been told by some, that they dispute my ability to cope with change. They have tried to force me to work in areas I do not cope well with, and this has been unwelcome and illogical and therefore harmful for me.

I had explained this and despite appealing to higher tiers within the organisation they all denied my explanation of myself and my welfare. This caused me a huge amount of emotional pain and I was once again forced to stare into the abyss of my existence. However my Wife was Amazing (hence the title) and my inner Spock’s ability to raise a dry eyebrow then continue the debate overcame my stronger emotions. Just like Spock so often had to choke back his humanity I had to choke back my ineffectual and unwelcome tears. Throughout my various exchanges and discourses with certain categories of humanity, I am reminded of Spock’s frequent discussions with a red faced and huffing Kirk, which always resolved themselves with mutual learning, or good humoured admonishments.

The inability of Humans to understand Vulcans like me leads to as much laughter as it does tears. However Spock always saved my life, and he reminded me that “Change is the essential process of all existence”. Just like I have had to adapt myself and change my responses to make myself acceptable to society, so it seems that gradually society is having to change its approach to me. It must be kinder, more considerate, and even behave in ways which make a slow move towards equality.

I don’t just thank Spock for this, I thank all of our community and advocates out there making a difference every day.

Thank you for helping with a change which is both profoundly logical and helpful

I would like to take you on a journey through my personal and very final frontier. The journey from anxious, confused undiagnosed Autistic child and adult, to the content “Aspie” that writes this blog.

My hope is that my journey might give the reader some insight into the joy and pain that Autistic life may bring. I ask that you relax and enjoy the dry dark humour of my inner Spock. That you receive my conversation around suicidal ideation as a frank description of a mental state rather than a emotive plea for understanding. In return I will share with you some of the funniest, most awkward, darkest and happiest moments over the last 33 years. I hope to share this at least once a week, if not more frequently.

Thanks for reading and we’ll chat soon

 

Kind Regards

 

Matt