"Insufficient facts always invite danger"




"Insufficient facts always invite danger"


We have established that I do not feel specifically human. That’s not to say I do not pertain to humanity; however, I feel, and have always felt, that I am an observer.

My inner Spock has guided me with this, shaped my inner dialogue and continually sought to gather sufficient information to operate. I have learnt over time the importance of the quote “Insufficient facts invite danger”. My predisposition to assume the logical outcome of a conversation or action has repeatedly left me appearing rude, inconsiderate and arrogant. Much like the character of Spock, despite the naivety and innocence of my intentions, my ability to irritate humans with the neurotypical mindset is boundless.

I formed one significant bond between the age of 7 and 16. He was my best friend and, I suspect, a fellow observer. We appreciated each other’s love of categorisation. Our enjoyment of pyrotechnics (small scale, nothing criminal I will add). Our profound and enduring love of combat aircraft and wargames, and finally the parallels in our development which sheltered us from much of the cruelty that humanity has to offer.

I recall our greatest dispute vividly. We were around 9 years old and had argued in the playground over a minor matter initially. This had broken down into a bitter dispute over dietary choices. I was being raised a vegetarian and he was omnivorous. I made a sharp remark on his complexion and high blood pressure, and he flew into a rage. I was overwhelmed and ran inside to our classroom. There, at our desk, lay the project we were working on, a three-dimensional model of a hurricane fighter plane made from paper. I decided to distract myself by building some more of it. My friend, still very upset, gripping a damp handkerchief soaked with rage and snot came in. He saw me working on the model, in contradiction to the expected agreement that we would both do it. I appreciated that this was somewhat unexpected, however the model was ours to build and I saw no harm in building elements of the craft rather than continuing in a pointless debated over diets that only resulted in emotional harm. My friend did not share my logic, and I had not ascertained his feelings regarding my continuing the project alone. I had invited danger. He flew into a further rage, beating me with his damp snot-soaked handkerchief. I felt its wet corner whip my cheek and raised my arms to defend myself before making a dash to the toilets under a hail of cotton and phlegm.

I learnt from this that my actions had a clear and powerful effect on others. Despite us all being very separate beings, there was an interconnection happening here. I would anxiously check my actions against these agendas but could find little to no correlation. Whilst facts could be established, feelings could not.

Thus, I discovered that when it came to feelings, until later study and practice, I would live with insufficient facts to experience or understand them fully. Where they came from, why they existed and what use they were, all evaded me.

It was Spock that had taught me the danger of emotion, and it was Spock that gave me something to relate to in the context of this lifelong struggle. Much like his ever-present war with the suppression of his emotions, so I was at war with my own. Unable to interpret them in others, and unable to apply mine outside of overwhelming outbursts and sensations.

Sensations that threatened to drown me if I could not regain control.

So, control them I did.

 

 I would like to take you on a journey through my personal and very final frontier. The journey from anxious, confused undiagnosed Autistic child and adult, to the content “Aspie” that writes this blog.

My hope is that my journey might give the reader some insight into the joy and pain that Autistic life may bring. I ask that you relax and enjoy the dry dark humour of my inner Spock. That you receive my conversation around suicidal ideation as a frank description of a mental state rather than a emotive plea for understanding. In return I will share with you some of the funniest, most awkward, darkest and happiest moments over the last 33 years. I hope to share this at least once a week, if not more frequently.

Thanks for reading and we’ll chat soon

 

Yours


Matt S.

 


 

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